Friday, October 25, 2013

Frequently Asked Questions

You can really measure a person's success by their blog.

For example, you know someone's "made it" when there's a FAQ tab on their site.  I mean, if people are not only asking questions but asking them frequently... you've gotta be pretty important.  In fact, right under "afford a full-sized ironing board" on my 30 before 30 list is "have a FAQ page on my blog."

The thing is, 30 is coming faster than I’d like so unless the ironing board market takes a turn soon, I need to start getting to work on other items on the list.  And based on Bed Bath and Beyond's latest shipment, I'm going to work on #2...

How far are you running today?
(This question is only really frequently asked by Derrick, and only so he can prepare himself for which degree of hangry Nikki will come home from work that night.)

It depends on why I’m running.  If I’m training for a marathon, anywhere between 7-20 miles.  If I’m training for a moderately sized butt, probably around 5.

Where did you get that shirt?
(Frequently asked by people who either like my style or don’t know what else to say to me.)

Target.  The answer is almost always Target.

What do you want as your side?
(Frequently asked by TGI Friday's waiters)

I would like a baked potato with sour cream on the side.  And if my potato comes back with 2 lbs of Land O’ Lakes on it, so help me God, Nikki will not be pleased.

What are you doing for dinner?
(Again, only frequently asked by Derrick.)

I’m eating a fried egg sandwich and microwave-in-the-bag Brussels sprouts for every dinner in the foreseeable future unless you make me something, we go out, or the going rate for in-house chefs decreases significantly (to nothing).

Do you want to donate a dollar to the Feed the Hungry, Needy Children/Puppies in the World Foundation or is your heart made of ice, tears, and giftless Christmases?
(Asked frequently by cashiers, almost always accompanied by a judgmental glance.)

No, thank you, unless there’s someone in line behind me.  Or you've got pictures of hungry children/puppies hanging up.

What do you do?
(Frequently asked by new acquaintances.  This is the real-world equivalent of the “so what’s your major?” question you ask the girl you’re awkwardly waiting in line with for the bathroom at a college party.)

I’m a patent prosecution paralegal.

How do you become a patent prosecution paralegal?
(Frequently asked by the people who actually care about the answer to the previous question.)

Well, I became one by responding to an online job listing.

(And to preemptively avoid twenty more confused questions on why someone with a biochemistry degree would look for paralegal jobs...)

I work at a firm whose clients often file chemical patents.

Would you like some money in appreciation for you exceptional written wit?
(Ok, no one has ever asked me that.  But the answer would be yes.)

Would you like something to drink?
(Asked every time we go out to eat.)

Yes, a Bloody Mary please.

That’s about it.

It feels really good getting that out of the way.  Now I am not only one step closer to becoming my ideal middle aged self, but I can also legitimately direct people to my FAQ page next time they want to know if I want a soup or salad.

Happy Friday!  Congratulations to us all; we've made it here once again.

Also, I'm linking up with Sarah yet again because I'm a fan of... myself?  Plus, I referenced football on Wednesday and that's gotta count for something.

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