Saturday, November 9, 2013

a guide to where you belong in the US

As a smart man once told me, "There is no greater wisdom than that of a girl who has lived in three different states before she's 25."

Ok, so no one ever said that.  But if they did, that would make this post a lot more legitimate.


Ever feel like you just want to pick up and move across the country to a random city? Maybe that's just me.

Well, if you ever do feel the need to pack up your stuff and get on a plane, here's a little guide to help you do some research before you get there.  Because you wouldn't want to end up at a Starbucks in the middle of a strange city asking the barista for a charger so you can charge your phone and find your way back home. (Not that I'd know what that's like or anything.)

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I lived in Florida for five very hot years.  If you're thinking about moving there, you should first ask yourself a few questions, such as:

1. Do I like winter? or fall? or spring? or any weather condition that is not hot as balls?
2. Like it when people follow routine traffic procedures?
3. Enjoy having straight hair?
4. Dislike this:


If you answered yes to any of these questions, you do not belong in Florida.

If humid conditions, daily 3 PM twenty minute rain storms, and a complete disregard for commonly accepted traffic procedures do not bother you, then Florida might be for you.

If you decide to call Florida home, you can look forward to enjoying the many pleasures and activities it has to offer, like Disney world, a plethora of expensive lawns you can trespass to impress your friends...


and this...


... whatever that is.


I've been in Chicago for less than a year so I'm no expert.  But I have been here long enough to know a few things you'll need to pack if you're thinking about living in the Windy City.

1. Some Spandex.  You're probably going to be seeing a lot of this...


and a bunch of that...


... so hats off to you if you still fit in the same pants that you came in; you've defied every law of nature I know.

2. Rain boots. I still don't have a pair but they seem to be the thing to wear when it rains, it snows, it looks like rain or snow, there's any mention of precipitation, or if you're feeling particularly suspicious that you'll be confronted by a stealthy, rogue puddle that afternoon.

3. Some of these...


And just to be safe, probably some of these too...


... but then again, who doesn't have a pair of those now days?


I may be biased or Maryland might just be the best state in the country, I don't know.  Regardless, if you're thinking about moving to Maryland, there are a few things you should very seriously consider before you go.  I'm not saying that these are requirements, but I'm not saying that they're not, either.

Things to Consider Doing before Moving to Maryland:

1. Accept that you will be wearing purple every Friday during football season.  For the rest of your life.

2. Learn to like Old Bay (or at least tolerate it) because it's going on everything, including french fries and the rim of your Bloody Mary glasses.

3. Learn how to properly pick a steamed crab because if you're going to be relying on someone else at a crab feast to do it for you, you might as well get yourself a hot dog... because it isn't happening.

4. Re-learn the correct lyrics to the National Anthem, specifically: "O's, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave."

5. Get something orange and put it on, because you're an O's fan now whether you like it or not.


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It's not easy moving to a new city, but you'll have a head start if you follow this simple guide.  And if all else fails, chocolate and boxed wine.  I've yet to meet a problem that chocolate and boxed wine couldn't solve.

IT'S SATURDAY, PARTY PEOPLE!

What would you tell someone moving to your city?

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