Thursday, January 16, 2014

4 Ways to Increase Your Blog's Readership

One way or another, I’m sure you’ve read one of the many “How to Increase Your Blog Traffic” articles out there.  Reading one is pretty much a standard blogger rite of passage, right up there with an acceptable “About Me” page and owning a dog.

But let’s be real, folks: do these articles actually tell you anything helpful?  No.  What they do is throw around a bunch of words that you don’t understand and then distract you from the fact with pictures of the blogger dog that you don't have.

In fact, I’m not convinced that SEO isn’t just some elaborate hoax concocted by the rulers of Bloglovin' to fool us into doing what they want.  Like how your parents convinced you that Santa was real.  (And we all know how that one turned out.)

Well, I say no more.  No more focusing on internal links or keywords or setting out milk and cookies, or whatever it is they tell you to do to please this supposed “SEO."  Instead, I’m going to tell you how you REALLY gain readership and gain it fast.

Here's a list of four ways you can drive traffic to your blog.  And it doesn't include a single acronym.

1. Threats

You can go subtle or you can go the more traditional, concrete “read my posts or I will kick you in the shins” route.  However you do it, just be sure to stress that there WILL be consequences for not reading your blog.

And even if you’re not very good at threats, it’s ok.  It’s an acquired skill, after all.  I suggest starting out with something vague and let your readers’ imaginations fill in the blanks. (“Have you seen your gerbil today?”)

Even better if you can incorporate some sort of confusion in with the vagueness.  (“Are you planning on making waffles this morning?”)  That way your readers don’t even know what exactly you’re threatening them with… but God knows, they don’t want to find out.

2. Free Stuff

People love getting stuff without working for it.  I mean, everyone loves an Obamaphone, right?  So (as always) when in doubt, do what the government does.  Straight up offer people stuff for no real reason; word will spread and everyone will want in on some of the action.

It doesn't matter if you actually have something to give them or not; that’s a classic misconception.  Just because you say you’ll give them free cupcakes doesn't mean you actually have to deliver.  Just tell them that if they like the cupcakes they have now, they can keep them.  That should take care of it.

3. Find Things

Think about the most popular sites on the Internet: Facebook and Google.  What do they have in common? They find things for you.  Facebook: obscure information about people you barely know.  Google: literally everything.  So if you want more pageviews, do what they do and start finding stuff!

You might think that "finding stuff" sounds difficult because, well, what does that even mean?  Well, that is for you to figure out.

If you're really stuck though, I suggest you start by taking things.  You know, street signs, fence posts, the occasional garden gnome.  Basically, anything not nailed down.  That way you can guarantee that people are looking for things, things that they will only find by reading your blog.

4. Fried Rice

Ever wonder why there are so many people in China?  Its lenient government or relaxed education system?

NO.  It's because people think that there's fried rice there.  I can absolutely guarantee that if you somehow incorporate fried rice into your blog, your blog traffic will be through the roof.

So there you have it.  I'm sure that there's going to be some backlash for this because the blog lords don't want you to know all of the real secrets to their success.

But that's a risk I'm willing to take.  Because we want pageviews and we want them now, regardless of how many garden gnomes it takes!

It's Thursday!  I don't have to tell you what that means.

Want more tea? Have a second cup!
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  1. Hahaha I'm dying, "have you seen your gerbil today". Hah.

  2. Hahaha absolutely loved this! Very creative and funny! xx

  3. Hahha!!! Love it... please don't kick me in the shins now. M xx

  4. Hahha!!! Love it... please don't kick me in the shins now. M xx

  5. Hahaha! I am dying over here! And fries rice... I knew my blog was missing something! Now who wants a free cupcake?