Tuesday, February 11, 2014

10 Things No One Wants to See You Blog About

A Note from the Editor (aka me): I wrote this post on Saturday at my favorite pseudo-European sandwich shop, the Bourgeois Pig Cafe.  I go there when Derrick leaves me for his true love (indoor soccer) and I'm in the mood to eat a roast beef sandwich alone.  I sit there with my laptop, sandwich, and cup of tea, trying to fit in with the other DePaul students, just hoping that they don't spot me for the fraud that I am.

As I sit here at "the Pig", there's a redhead on my left in the midst of a shameless selfie shoot and a guy on my right hunched over, furiously scribbling away in a leather-bound notebook.  And me?  I'm at a loss.

I had all these grand intentions (like people always do when they come to coffee shops) but now that I’m sitting down to write, I have nothing to write about.  I’m also a little distracted by the worrisome ferocity with which this guy is scribbling, but I guess that’s neither here nor there at the moment.

It’s ironic because I usually have too MUCH to write about.  At work, on the bus, when I’m holding sharp objects, when I’m petting dogs… basically every situation when I can’t write, I’m overflowing with ideas.

But now that I am in the middle of a hipster’s paradise… nothing.  And I hate to say this more than you can know, but Google has failed miserably.  I did find a ton of “Blogging Inspiration” articles but they were about as helpful as Rhonda Redhead’s “raised eyebrow” Snapchat pose to my left.

Some of the suggestions were just unreasonable.  (“Explain Something You’re an Expert At.”  At this point, the only thing I’ve really mastered is relentlessly continuing to exist.)  Some of the suggestions were boring.  (“Tell Us About Your Morning Routine.”  I get bored LIVING my morning routine; who in God’s name is going to read about it?)

And some were just vague and all together unhelpful.  (“Reasons your ____________-ing plan isn’t working out.”  Not only do I not know what to write about, now I also have to figure out a plan, and then I have to outline why it isn’t working.)

So to make a short story about nothing incredibly long: this is how I’ve come up with this, yet another blogging advice column.

1.  Your Morning Routine.  (Let’s just get this one out of the way right now.)

2.  10 reasons why your boss sucks.  I guarantee he will find it, and I guarantee he will not be pleased.

3.  Something that you wouldn't want your mother to read.  I can't guarantee that she'll know how to find it, but I don’t need to hear about your boyfriend’s favorite positions either.

4.  Anything that involves you repeatedly using “there” instead of “their.”

5.  Anything that has the sole purpose of tearing down another blogger.  Unless that blogger participates in dog fighting or likes the Steelers.  Then it’s totally okay.

6.  A Defense of Pumpernickel Bread.  Pumpernickel bread is the sustenance of Satan and there is no defending it.

7.  Humble Brags.  You know it, I know it: we all know what’s going on here.  Just come right out and brag if you deserve it; no beating around the humble bush.

8.  Anything that involves you admitting to illegal activity.  What are ya, stupid?

9.  Anything more about growing your blog's audience.  I already covered that.

10.  Anything in leather-bound notebooks, because that would make you seem like a suspicious deviant.  And the number one rule of blog world is "No Suspicious Deviants."

I hear it's Tuesday.
Do what you want with it.

Want more tea? Have a second cup!
Twitter// Instagram// Facebook// Bloglovin


  1. So talking about smoking crack anymore?! Dang it!

  2. Hahahaha how about using "i" instead of "I" - damnit our computer autocorrect that for gosh sakes what are you writing this post on? A 1986 Macintosh Plus?
    Haha thanks for my daily rant.
    Kallie @ But First, Coffee