Wednesday, March 12, 2014

How To Make Sure No One Dislikes You
(And Stay Off of GOMI Forever!)

From time to time, I like to make jokes about GOMI (that site where people far and wide come together to rag on their least favorite bloggers, aka the bloggers they want to "Get Off My Internets").  Heck, I even wrote a whole post poking fun at it.

But the truth is, behind the fun pokery, I am actually terrified of the day that I'll find a forum dedicated to me and my split ends.  Normally, I'm good about ignoring grievances of complete strangers but I'd be lying if I said I'd be totally cool with a gang of people picking apart my every fashion accessory.  I went to middle school; I did my time.

And unless you were home-schooled and missed out on the joy that is 13-year-old girls, you probably feel the same.  So while you may have enjoyed my GOMI resume, you probably didn't find it especially helpful.  I mean, the goal is generally to avoid widespread criticism, right?

I understand, I apologize, and I want you to know I am going to make things right.  Today, for you all, I have put together what I put together best: a list.  But I have taken this list one step further than just "How to Stay Off GOMI."  I have put together a guide on how to avoid criticism in life all together.

Yes, you read that right.  Follow these five simple steps and never again will you have to tell someone that you're rubber and she's glue.  Because that is so middle school, anyway.

1.  Opinions: Get Rid of Them.  The number one, surefire way to invite criticism is to have opinions.  Accordingly, my first point is to avoid them at all costs.  The best way to do this is to simply agree with everything.  That is, of course, unless it has been generally agreed upon that something is disagreeable.  That obviously puts you in a tricky situation.  My only advice there would be to just change the subject.  Preferably to kittens and/or ramen noodles.

It is important here to not be lulled into a false sense of security that some mild opinions are acceptable.  Even the most uncontroversial opinion can spark outrage, given the right social media platform.  So your best bet is to just avoid them entirely.  Like Mac n' Cheese?  Great.  Keep it to yourself.

2.  Religion and Politics Don't Exist.  If you're really going to commit to universal compliance, never, ever, ever talk about religion or politics.  In fact, do yourself a favor and don't even think about them. Thinking about them may lead to unintended consequences, such as opinions about them (in which case I revert you to my first point).

3.  Avoid Success at All Costs.  There's a reason no one likes Justin Bieber, and it isn't because he drives drunk and never wears a belt; it's because he is successful.  Although you'll find a handful of people who respect and admire success, the truth is that most people can't wait to TP the house of the guy who just got promoted.  Want to stay uncontroversial? Simmer down, and don't even think about side projects.  It's best just to watch reruns of The Bachelor until the feeling goes away.

4.  Be Up-to-Date on All of Your Current Inadequacies.  Up until this guide, almost everyone will have acquired at least one critic in their life.  If you've been especially opinionated, maybe quite a few.

Use this to your advantage; now is the time to take every word, misplaced and misguided as they might be, directly to heart.  No matter that your critics might not know you or your situation.  And yes, I understand that at times it might be hard to keep up with everything you're doing wrong because you'll be receiving contradictory criticisms; at any one time, you will simultaneously be working too much and too little, be both too fat and too thin.

Hey, I never said universal indifference would be easy.

5.  The Golden Rule: Aim for Beige.  Have you ever met someone who doesn't like the color beige?  I mean, a lot of people probably don't give much thought to the color beige but have you ever heard anyone say, "Damn, the color beige just absolutely revs my engine?"

No, probably not.  The takeaway?  To avoid criticism, your best best is to channel beige whenever and wherever you can.


Now, I know you may be reading this and be thinking, "Well what's the point of even existing if you're just going to be an un-opinionated, beige puppet?"  And it's true that this plan doesn't give you a lot of wiggle room to do, well, anything.

But tell me, is that worse than having strangers telling you that you've got bad hair?

Happy Hump Day!
Pretend you like it, whether you want to or not.

Want more tea? Have a second cup!
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  1. "I cannot disclose whether I do or do not like macaroni and cheese"my new answer for any question on my blog.
    If I'm ever on GOMI I'll probably cry, I'm confident in myself but I have such a low tolerance for random acts of meanness.

  2. I only recently discovered that GOMI exists. I love this post. I think be who you are no matter what! You never please everyone, and that's ok! Loved this post :) Carly