Thursday, March 20, 2014

Letters from the Treadmill:
Girl Holding on for Dear Life

Ever since college, I’ve worked out in the morning. That’s right; I’m one of those people.

During the winter, Monday through Friday, I get to the gym around, oh roughly 5:42 AM (give or take a few seconds). What’s nice about my rigid morning routine is that there’s not a second wasted. The downside, however, is that I don’t schedule in any time for chatting, community building, or amicability in general.

It’s usually fine because no one in there before 6 is there to make friends anyway. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I would factor in a few minutes here and there for some discussion with my fellow pre-dawn gym-goers.

Why? Because some of them do some pretty peculiar stuff and I really would just like to ask them a few questions. But because I refuse to set my alarm for one minute earlier than 5:17, this really isn’t possible. So instead, I have decided to start a new mini-series directed to these folks in hopes that somehow, someway, my fellow early risers will read this.

And maybe then I can get some answers.

Dear Girl Holding on for Dear Life,

When I arrive every morning, you without fail are already there on the treadmill sprinting at an extraordinary speed. But it’s not your speed that confuses me, Girl Holding on for Dear Life; what confuses me is that you’re moving at that pace with both arms stretched out straight in front of you, hands firmly gripping the machine.

You can understand my confusion I’m sure, because most people opt for the more conventional “I Enjoy the Advantages of the Ball-And-Socket Joint Configuration” running form. In fact, most people I’ve talked to consider arm movement an asset.

I have several theories, of course. My first is that you are genuinely worried that if you don’t hold on, you will go shooting off the back of the machine. And I don’t blame you; you're going pretty fast. Momentum is no friend of yours.

But you’re here every morning, which makes me think that you are in reasonable shape and not in any more danger of being flung off than the guy next to you who is in audible agony. (He, on the other hand, maybe should slow down.)

So my only other guess is that you are involved in a stroller-walking competition, which obviously would require being able to run at very high speeds with your arms stretched in front of you. And I get it; the rivalry between mothers can be intense now days. I’ve seen things get physical over a pot roast; I can only imagine what happens when you throw children into the mix. You need to train and it’s much too cold to be zooming on the lakefront with your baby, which is why I am assuming that you’re here.

So my question for you, Girl Holding on for Dear Life, is where do you put your baby during these cold training months? Surely he needs the practice too. Hope to hear from you soon.


It's Thursday!
And tomorrow, we dance.

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