Don't you just hate when a someone has a lot going on behind the scenes but instead of just saying what's going on, they give you some subtle metaphorical reference about the tides of the ocean rocking a baby cradle of adulthood?
Clearly, I'm not very good at these metaphors. And that is exactly why I am not going to insult you with any vague analogies. But I'm also not going to dive right into why I feel like I'm paddling on a baby cradle through the Atlantic because, c'mon man. My mom reads this. Maybe my boss reads this. Heck, one day my future children might read this.
Plus, how am I going to keep myself shrouded in this genteel mystique I've acquired if I start rambling about the oceans and oceans and oceans of emotions I have?
So instead, I'm just going to write another slightly relevant, mostly random list of other things that I'm not good at besides metaphors. I mean, I don't want to lose my street cred just because I feel like I'm in a tornado of uncertainty. (Sorry, had to try one more time.)
Ten Things That I'm Not So Good At
1. Waiting for the microwave. I think Shakespeare wrote and edited "The Merchant of Venice" in four microwave minutes.
2. That cute little laugh girls do when they're being tickled. All I can come up with is a snarl and an elbow jab.
3. Spelling "metaphore" without spell-check. Damnit.
4. Movies. The combination of never being able to hear what anyone is saying and ASD (Attention Span Deficiency; self-diagnosed) is the perfect combination of annoying. Never watch a movie with me... unless it's after 9:30 PM, in which case I'll probably fall asleep and leave you alone.
5. Tweeting. Every one of my tweets feels like 140 characters or less of literary brilliance, but no one re-tweets. Is anyone even listening?
6. Flossing regularly. Run for three hours? Sure. But that 1.5 minutes it takes to floss is a burden that I just cannot bear.
7. Opening those plastic produce bags at grocery stores. Am I the only one who can't figure these out?
8. Brunching. Just kidding. I'm really good at that.
9. Ironing dress shirts. And by dress shirts, I mean all shirts. And pants. And skirts. And jackets. Why don't robots do this yet?
10. Menus. At the last minute, I always get nervous and make a last minute reconsideration. And then I end up with the fish sticks. (Side note: I hate fish sticks.)
11. Counting. But luckily no one's ever noticed.
Want more tea? Have a second cup!
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