Friday, April 11, 2014

Oceans of Emotions
(And other things I'm bad at)


Don't you just hate when a someone has a lot going on behind the scenes but instead of just saying what's going on, they give you some subtle metaphorical reference about the tides of the ocean rocking a baby cradle of adulthood?

Clearly, I'm not very good at these metaphors.  And that is exactly why I am not going to insult you with any vague analogies.  But I'm also not going to dive right into why I feel like I'm paddling on a baby cradle through the Atlantic because, c'mon man.  My mom reads this.  Maybe my boss reads this.  Heck, one day my future children might read this.

Plus, how am I going to keep myself shrouded in this genteel mystique I've acquired if I start rambling about the oceans and oceans and oceans of emotions I have?

So instead, I'm just going to write another slightly relevant, mostly random list of other things that I'm not good at besides metaphors.  I mean, I don't want to lose my street cred just because I feel like I'm in a tornado of uncertainty.  (Sorry, had to try one more time.)

Ten Things That I'm Not So Good At

1.  Waiting for the microwave.  I think Shakespeare wrote and edited "The Merchant of Venice" in four microwave minutes.
2.  That cute little laugh girls do when they're being tickled.  All I can come up with is a snarl and an elbow jab.
3.  Spelling "metaphore" without spell-check.  Damnit.
4.  Movies.  The combination of never being able to hear what anyone is saying and ASD (Attention Span Deficiency; self-diagnosed) is the perfect combination of annoying.  Never watch a movie with me... unless it's after 9:30 PM, in which case I'll probably fall asleep and leave you alone.
5.  Tweeting.  Every one of my tweets feels like 140 characters or less of literary brilliance, but no one re-tweets.  Is anyone even listening?
6.  Flossing regularly.  Run for three hours?  Sure.  But that 1.5 minutes it takes to floss is a burden that I just cannot bear.
7.  Opening those plastic produce bags at grocery stores.  Am I the only one who can't figure these out?
8.  Brunching.  Just kidding.  I'm really good at that.
9.  Ironing dress shirts.  And by dress shirts, I mean all shirts.  And pants.  And skirts.  And jackets.  Why don't robots do this yet?
10.  Menus.  At the last minute, I always get nervous and make a last minute reconsideration.  And then I end up with the fish sticks.  (Side note: I hate fish sticks.)
11.  Counting.  But luckily no one's ever noticed.



Want more tea? Have a second cup!
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